\u201cSandwiches or Thai?\u201d I ask aloud, out of habit. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I can imagine Moira\u2019s reply: You\u2019re not on track with your calcium and folic acid targets today. Spinach is advised. Maybe a green curry?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n But today there\u2019s no level, pleasant voice in my ear. Moira is, as they used to say, \u201cin the shop\u201d today for her annual updates and maintenance. I don\u2019t know why they can\u2019t just upload the stuff into them, but these maintenance days are a fact of life we all deal with. I guess even artificial intelligence is entitled to one vacation day a year.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Most people just sleep through it. Sometimes I do, too, but this year I was curious.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019ll be fine,\u201d I told Moira before she went dark. \u201cYou\u2019ve taught me well. I\u2019ve probably absorbed you into my own interior monologue. I won\u2019t ruin what we\u2019ve worked for,\u201d I promised her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And so I stayed awake and went to work. I made it just fine through the morning. I chose my own outfit\u2014some fitted black slacks and a lavender silk blouse that Moira had pieced together before, but I hadn\u2019t worn for a couple of months. Something that had inspired a co-worker to say, \u201cYou look nice today.\u201d I don\u2019t know, probably his AI prompted him. Still, it\u2019s an outfit I trust.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Most \u201cchoices\u201d are a matter of habit, anyway. Routine. Moira had helped me form a healthy morning routine tailored to my metabolism, hormone levels, sleep patterns, life values, and five-year goals. There\u2019s my two-mile run that follows the same bike path through my neighborhood every day, and my routine breakfast of hard-boiled egg with mashed avocado on whole-wheat toast, iced coffee with a dash of stevia, and an eight-ounce glass of water that my sink measures out. My shower is on its own timer so I can\u2019t mess that up. Then feed the cat and out the door by 8:30.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Getting dressed was really the most dangerous part of the morning routine without Moira\u2014the most subjective. But I think I pulled that off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou look nice today,\u201d Andy Disung said as we walked into the office at the same time. He was the same person who commented last time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s when it got complicated. Without Moira to suggest an appropriate reply, I felt like I may as well not have been wearing anything at all. <\/p>\n\n\n\n When in doubt, keep it simple<\/em>, Moira would probably say, so I muttered a quick \u201cThanks,\u201d while walking to my desk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThere\u2019s something different about you\u2026\u201d Andy continued. His slow delivery and the hand he briefly rubbed through his dark brown curls gave me the feeling he was a little off-script himself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cMaintenance day,\u201d I told him, without halting my steps.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He chuckled. \u201cOf course. I\u2019ll just leave you alone.\u201d He plopped down in his chair across the aisle from my desk and then, as if he\u2019d changed his mind, stood up and raised the height of his desk. He looked over at me and smiled. \u201cBetter for the lymphs, I guess.\u201d He paused only a beat before adding, \u201cI\u2019m surprised you\u2019re here at all today.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I paused at my desk, wondering whether I should sit or stand. \u201cSome things just can\u2019t wait,\u201d I said. \u201cLike the Axonics proposal.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDo you think you can do it?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I felt like Andy\u2019s eyes were staring right into me. It was so rude, this inquisition, when he knew I was solo. I felt my muscles stiffen and decided to remain standing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIn my sleep,\u201d I replied with a smile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGood luck,\u201d he said. \u201cI\u2019ll leave you to it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n It was not quite as easy as that. Without Moira I dithered over my word choices and sat down a while to try to remember the rules about semicolons. I lost track of time and hadn\u2019t accomplished nearly enough by the time the co-workers around me began to stir for lunch. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Cynthia and Erin paused by my desk on their way out. \u201cHey, Neoma, come with to the salad bar?\u201d Erin asked, adjusting a large leather purse over her shoulder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI shouldn\u2019t,\u201d I told them, and immediately wondered if they\u2019d be offended at my declining. Would they stop at my desk the next day? \u201cMaintenance day,\u201d I quickly clarified with a shrug I hoped seemed friendly and casual. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOh, got it,\u201d Cynthia said, recognition registering as her brown eyes widened. \u201cYou\u2019re so brave to be here. I would never!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cSay no more,\u201d Erin said. \u201cNext time, then.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I sighed in relief as the two women\u2019s shoes clicked down the polished cement floor and I let my shoulders slump. I felt as winded as if I\u2019d just completed my morning run. But I was confident I had handled the situation well. I imagined Moira\u2019s reaction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Great! Eighty percent chance they\u2019ll be back tomorrow. Ask them what they\u2019re working on. Promoting friendly office culture is a productive step toward management.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n I was checking through my last page, ensuring no Oxford commas had slipped through my fingers against the company style manual and missing the red highlights Moira would usually send to my smart lens, when I felt a presence by my desk and looked up to find Andy again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI know it\u2019s risky,\u201d he said, \u201cbut do you want to walk downtown with me for lunch?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I didn\u2019t need Moira to tell me that my pulse was fast, or to remind me to take a deep breath before I answered. \u201cReally? Today?\u201d I tried to keep my tone even, but with a slightly accusing edge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I think it worked. There was his hand in his hair again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cEspecially today,\u201d he said. \u201cIf you\u2019re going to live this day, you might as well really live it<\/em>. You could order a cookie and your blood sugar would be back to normal by the time she came online again. She\u2019d never know.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I didn\u2019t mean to laugh. I guess it wasn\u2019t a decision, really.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Andy smiled. \u201cSo how about it? You\u2019re not going to ruin your life in a day. And if you do, it\u2019s your life, in the end.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n This was the reason most people stay home on maintenance days. Some decisions matter more. Their effects ripple through life like a stone hitting the surface of a pond. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I tried to replicate Moira\u2019s quick analysis. If I went (did I want to go? I tuned in to my elevated vitals and admitted that I probably did), then I\u2019d have a whole hour to fill with Andy, and no one to guide me through. I\u2019d probably say something awkward five minutes in, or worse I\u2019d be boring, fail to recall the interesting facts I\u2019d picked up throughout the week, or freeze up entirely, and I didn\u2019t know him well enough for companionable silences to feel comfortable. I would overcompensate and over-share. Chance of a successful lunch? I don\u2019t know, two percent? Is that what Moira would say? Then rumors about my social ineptness would fly, I wouldn\u2019t get lunch invitations, and I wouldn\u2019t get promotions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n And what if I declined? It wouldn\u2019t be as tactful as with Cynthia and Erin. He knew this was my maintenance day. It was why he asked. Chances he\u2019d ask again another day? Maybe forty percent?<\/p>\n\n\n\n And is this a date? I wanted to ask Moira. Through my smart lens, she would observe his stance, leaning in to my desk slightly, and the tense smile frozen on his face. She would probably read his body temperature and heart rate and, though she couldn\u2019t share the data with me, she\u2019d turn it into an answer: It\u2019s not advisable to date co-workers<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI could ruin your life, too,\u201d I said quietly, keeping a pleasant smile on my face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He laughed\u2014a nervous chuckle. \u201cYour instincts can\u2019t be that bad,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNo, probably not,\u201d I agreed. \u201cJust boring. I\u2019m afraid you\u2019ll regret it five minutes in.\u201d Yes, over-sharing. It was already a disaster.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cTruman tells me the chances are only twenty-one percent. It\u2019s worth the risk to find out.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m pretty sure I blushed. Moira would have had three to five witty suggestions for changing the subject. On my own, I said, \u201cTruman? Is that his name?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Andy brought his hand to his head and said, \u201cMy AI. Yes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat did Truman tell you about asking me to lunch?\u201d Maybe that question wasn\u2019t a choice, either. I asked it without thinking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Andy laughed and shook his head. \u201cChances you\u2019d go along were thirty-five percent. It was another risk I was willing to take.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThat sounds about right,\u201d I said. \u201cTruman is very honest.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYes,\u201d Andy said. \u201cIt usually works for us. What about your…um\u2026\u201d he gestured vaguely around me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cMoira.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cRight. Is Moira honest?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n It wasn\u2019t a question I\u2019d considered before. I might have called her incisive, motivating, accurate, responsible, ambitious. These were the life values she was programmed with. My solo brain scrambled to come up with an appropriate answer. Would an appropriate answer be the same as an honest one? <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d I said slowly. The honest answer. \u201cListen, I think you and Truman are at an advantage, being a team today. And I\u2019m sure Moira would like to join the party\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cLike<\/em> is an interesting word choice. Assuming they can like<\/em> anything,\u201d Andy interrupted. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I may have blushed again. \u201cRight. I don\u2019t think she would have had me say that. Anyway, could we do this another day?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I watched Andy\u2019s shoulder shrug, and his cheeks deflate. \u201cSure,\u201d he said, and I wondered if that was appropriate or honest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n ***<\/p>\n\n\n\n After my morning at work, a part of me wants to sink back into the comfort of habit. \u201cSandwiches or Thai?\u201d I ask Moira out of habit, but another part of me is already thinking about the next step.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Imaginary Moira tells me green curry<\/em>, but when I pause, it doesn\u2019t feel honest. I don\u2019t feel excited about it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Without her pleasant voice in my ear, I walk under the sandwich shop\u2019s blue awning and find an empty chair. The restaurant looks familiar, but somehow empty without Moira\u2019s golden halo in my lens around the perfect chair. I wonder if the one I\u2019ve chosen has the ideal sun exposure, the optimum sound isolation. But it\u2019s empty. It will do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The server approaches my table with a warm smile. \u201cHi, Neoma. Would you like your usual?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The turkey pesto sandwich here contains the perfect balance of calories and nutrients for me. It\u2019s what Moira would recommend, but if I listen to my own body, the pull in my collar bone tells me it\u2019s not what I want right now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cActually, can I see the menu?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is why people go to sleep<\/em>, the imaginary Moira says in my head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ten choices come into my lens. Without Moira\u2019s pleasant voice and golden halo, they all carry equal weight. The world feels so wide. And heavy. It makes my heart beat faster, like back in the office.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I wonder if this feeling is the reason I stayed awake today, not the Axonics proposal. I have time\u2014it isn\u2019t due until Friday. But this rush is available once a year. Maybe, like Andy said, it\u2019s worth the risk. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Moira would tell me that the grilled cheese with tomato and micro greens on sprouted bread could make me sluggish in the afternoon and possibly lead to digestive disturbance, and the chocolate chip cookie would result in a crash around 4pm. Not optimal for productivity. I order them anyway, because Moira is on vacation and so, I decide, am I. <\/p>\n\n\n\n ***<\/p>\n\n\n\n Andy is at his desk when I return to the office after a slow walk back from uptown. He doesn\u2019t look up when I sit down. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI had the cookie,\u201d I say across the aisle. \u201cIt was amazing.\u201d It feels less awkward.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAnd you\u2019re still alive,\u201d he notes with a smile that makes me think that maybe his \u201csure\u201d<\/em> really was honest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHere I am,\u201d I agree. \u201cThough maybe not for long. I\u2019m not at my peak today. I\u2019m not even supposed to be here. I was thinking about skipping out and going to the beach.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThat cookie was the gateway to hell!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I laugh. Not a choice. \u201cMaybe. Did Truman tell you to say that?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Andy nods. \u201cEighty-two percent chance of success.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAnd what would Truman say if I asked you to come to the beach with me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHe\u2019s advising me very strongly against it.\u201d Andy\u2019s smile never wavers. \u201cBut I don\u2019t always listen.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cSandwiches or Thai?\u201d I ask aloud, out of habit. I can imagine Moira\u2019s reply: You\u2019re not on track with your calcium and folic acid targets today. Spinach is advised. Maybe a green curry? But today there\u2019s no level, pleasant voice in my ear. Moira is, as they used to say, \u201cin the shop\u201d today for her […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[86],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mudassirbackup.infinitycodestudio.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/228"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mudassirbackup.infinitycodestudio.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mudassirbackup.infinitycodestudio.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mudassirbackup.infinitycodestudio.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mudassirbackup.infinitycodestudio.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=228"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mudassirbackup.infinitycodestudio.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/228\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mudassirbackup.infinitycodestudio.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=228"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mudassirbackup.infinitycodestudio.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=228"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mudassirbackup.infinitycodestudio.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=228"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}